My name is Kerri Aka K-Bear, the name was given by a very close family friend who said I gave the best hugs ever since then I've kinds adopted it as my own, and I grew up with Care Bears so it seems fitting.

My story is one of Childhood trauma, care system, various other types of abuse throughout my young adult life and then in the relationship with my children's father.

My Mum was a young Mum and had her own traumas through her childhood out of respect for her, that's not my story to tell all I know from what has been shared with me by my Dad is there was instances of neglect and eventually she made the decision she no longer wanted to care for me or my sister, we were brought up by my Dad and his new partner he later married and become my Step mother.

I couldn't take to her, and the Family environment became a difficult one, each of the separated families went on to have other children and I never quite felt I fitted in anywhere. My step mum had liberated way of living!!!! My mum had her new family and she didn't seem to want to have me be a part of that, sadly.

Long story short I was placed in care during my teenage years, the only family member that ever came to visit me was my Maternal Grandma - God rest her soul.

Residential care was difficult my first sexual experience was being forced into a sex act by a gang member. I never felt I fitted in, nicknamed “Goody two shoes” I didn't ever get into trouble, the staff felt like they used me to go on out of the Unit, to go on trips to watch their families events as they knew I would not be any trouble, disliked by the other young
people in care due to my good behaviour, again I felt I didn't belong.

Aged 17 I had to abruptly leave a semi independent residential Care home as I was being chased with a fire extinguisher to be attacked with by another resident, I was placed in a flat in Old Trafford, saving grace is that Care Leavers team were relaunching and I got a trip to London to meet Neil Morrisey, I was also featured on a news programme talking about Care leavers.

I had very disordered eating and Body image issues right from being a young adult through to adulthood, I had psychotherapy and psychiatry at various points, honestly I believe a lot of it stems from my early childhood
experiences, I just constantly felt rejected, unloved and ultimately I think that affected me right throughout my life, I never felt worthy as I was.

When I had to once again leave my flat quickly, Partington was to become my new home, and that's where I met the children's father, I was 17 he was 21 years my senior, read into that what you will.

I'm gonna keep it short as my Dream Big aim once my children have reached adult age is to write a biography a name of which I’ve already decided upon.

The relationship with the children's father was abusive, though I never saw it as that initially. I knew all I ever wanted is to have a family I knew I had this inbuilt need within me to love, I had a miscarriage early on into my relationship with the children's father, and after further tests it was revealed I had PCOS, we were referred to St Mary's IVF but as he already had children it was shared it was a slim probability we would be offered IVF, it seems crazy but a few days after forms from St Mary's arrived i found out I was pregnant, this was the first of my 4 pregnancies after a period of being on medication called Clomid that helped make sure your ovulation date was the same each month, sadly the 4 children I had were also surrounded by a total of 5 miscarriages. It's not uncommon for those suffering with PCOS to have miscarriages but when I had 5 the last embryo was taken away for testing to make sure there was no genetic reason why I was losing babies, there wasn't and as I had already had 3 boys I was convinced the reason was I couldn't carry girls, after my last miscarriage and the testing my craving of pineapple continued and I later found out quite soon after my last miscarriage I was expecting and at a later date it was confirmed it was in fact a girl.

My self confidence and self esteem right through my relationship with the children's father was shattered, imagine this scenario your partner audibly in front of you at school gates flirting with other Mums, its no surprise really and as he had nicknamed me 3 bellies I once again felt unworthy, I was constantly undermined, ridiculed and lost a sense of who I
was, that became evident later on in life when someone asked me what my hobbies were, what did I like doing, so much of who I was, was coercively controlled I couldn't answer.

I made attempts too leave him moving to refuges, but ultimately despite the non molestation orders, the emotional abuse was worse when I tried to leave, he gained access to what once was the family property and slashed my clothes then left flowers apologising, not very clever and meant the police had him bang to rights.

There's lots more I can say, but I will try and keep it to the key factors, ultimately the traumas throughout My whole existence led me to develop C-PTSD and when I was given the added difficulties of raising children as a single parent with SEN needs who the educational system let down, I broke, on 2 separate occasions as an adult I attempted to take an overdose, both resulted me in being hospitalised, I can honestly say hand on heart at those points I felt everyone was better off without me.

2019 was my last suicide attempt and I had to really metaphorically and literally dig in my heels and heal from everything that was sent to break me.

It was a challenging time but thankfully due to me second to eldest son standing up for me and himself he was returned back home followed by my 2 youngest.

There is still such a big stigma around Mental health and Suicide I remember being on a sideline as a Mum at a football pitch and hearing other mothers describe it as selfish, calling them “nut jobs” the fact is at the time your feeling that way you honestly believe you are doing everyone a favour by not being here, you've hit rock bottom and done with all that life is, please if I can encourage one thing it is to always try and understand from someone else's perspective, another thing I say is empathy is one of the greatest gifts one person can give to another

its only if you yourself have felt suicidal can you add extra layers of empathy because you will know where that person has reached.

Looking back there were loads of failures, loads of miss opportunities the signs were all there, I never fitted in, never really had friendships that stayed the test of time, my healing from my suicide attempt resulted on me going through further assessments and in 2023 I received a diagnosis of ADHD, at that point I audibly made a declaration over my life that I would no longer apologise for who I was, and then lo and behold I came across a Facebook community group called “Unapologetic” it seemed a sign from above and I joined the community, it actually was a community created by Debbie-Lyn and this is where my transformation journey began.

2024 I received a further diagnosis of Autism and gave me a Aha moment, it started an acceptance of who I am alongside recognising my sensory, social difficulties and my struggles around Mental Health, I was diagnosed with Depression, anxiety, EUPD, when in fact all these were actually undiagnosed neurodiversity.

It's created a grief within me as if only it was recognised as Audhd earlier maybe I wouldn't have reached crisis point

maybe I wouldn't have been placed in care, maybe I could've still felt like part of a family, there have been so many
disconnections with family members Throughout the years, as although I'm very forgiving I also struggle with social injustices.

I have a great relationship with my Dad sadly the relationship with my Mum I recognised was never going to be, and I distanced myself from her life, I did attend her funeral, I think my Mum did love me for her I think showing love wasn't something that came naturally.

There's been lots of transformations, and times when I've hyper-fixated on aspects of my life, for example when I was baptised as an adult and painted my entrance hall and put hearts and scripture all over it.

I believe the key aspect of me being in the best place ever in my whole life in mind body and spirit is having people around me who believe in me, who see me for who I am, I feel seen, thankfully due to DL Models I can now say my passion is being in front of the camera, spending time with other neurodiverse people, being in my safe zones with people I can be myself in.

I have so many people to thank for this part of my life journey, Nicola Davies, Debbie-Lyn, Cathy Neale, Feya, Bridgett Angel Sinclair, Rebecca my Dad, my children and my boyfriend and everyone whose given me opportunities to be seen, God.

I've finally at 46 accepted my body and found a further community I feel a part of the Beyond Beauty project which I'm honoured to be a Brand Ambassador for, I'm believing in myself and applying for opportunities that I may share my story to inspire and empower others

Family life can be challenging living in a neurodiverse household with 2 young people but I have my escapism in the form of modelling and the gym and socialising with people I can be myself around.

I hope if any aspect of this story resonates with you that it gives you hope too, and that it serves as a reminder that if you never give up, keep dreaming big better days are ahead.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. NLT Jeremiah 29:11